Most “spoonies’ (a unifying nickname for the chronically ill), will understand me when i say that I began this blog, without any thought of time. I couldn’t afford to try and place a deadline on each posting.How can i make my body understand that i need to put the pain on pause and halt the nausea for just a few hours to write down, record and save an account of an experience that can only be described as “epic”. Unending and intense, with twists and turns, a journey, a journey overshadowed by frustration.
I had planned to post a blog i had pre-written. It was a response to the huge outpouring of support and love that followed my first posting. Considering i have yet to advertise this blog beyond a post or two on twitter, the number of people who made an effort to get in touch and say “hey, i feel that way too”, speaks volumes.
Too many, are suffering in a dark pit and they cant find their way. Not for want of trying but because it’s just so.
I have written what i can only describe as a coarse poem.
Its an expression, a rant and a vocalization of how i feel right now. Its a feeling I experience regularly in my internal battles with pain but i’ve recently been struggling more than usual and this has had its impact on pretty much everything. Including this blog.
Now i feel like i have built up the anticipation for this,
this word journey through pain,
Pain, pain & Me.
A J Bukari / Editor of Unseen Magazine
PAIN, PAIN & ME.
The punishment for pain and his lies?
A penalty, undoubtedly intensely, painful.
that he would be terrified, positively horrified
trying to conceptualize the materialization of his own state.
Somehow, i am able, i am slightly stable,
to organize and conceptualize a ploy.
Distract him,entrap him, pull him, drag him, into,
a very narrow pit.
So dark that it,
gives the impression that determination and vocalization,
of his lies, will end his rein, release the pain, its painful, so shameful.
For a while, I try to visualize, to look beyond,
to hear a song, travel beyond,
his hold, its so painful.
I go, up,up, no lows, i soar, i climb, i’m able. I’m able!
I look down and see a land of possibilities,
houses that symbolize phases,
like mazes, my plans intertwine, they climb to the height.
where i’m able.
Still it’s painful.
The floor comes to meet me, i fall, i fall down.
then,I hit the ground with such force, i’m found dumb.
dumb, dumbfounded it’s painful.
He picks me up and then flicks me and drops me,
he shakes me and drops me, so painful.
I try to resist, but i am his,
i’m his bitch, his own, i’m not able.
to shake him off, he’s strong,so strong,
I cant breathe, I cant leave,
For a moment, i’m fooled. i’m his, i am ruled.
I cant move, i am owned, i’m not able.
The ground, the walls, the ceilings,
i am choking.
i’m not able,unstable,
Pull me out!
Pull me OUT!
it’s too much, it’s too much.
All too painful.